: C U R S E D :

-sighs- ==; Thats not Lamuel thats me... i'm in this slightly emo mode right now.

story: (more of a rant, don't read if you're not interested)

So i made a really awsome guy friend at school about a month or two back. And we had the same sense of humor and all, and laughed a lot and just got along very well. So i was very excited because i finally made a friend in school. And he started to like me. I guess i send him mixed messages on that matter since i'm very physycal with my friends. (For those of you who kow me in person, know that) Like, when i make a friend, and i trust that person i allow myself to hug him or her, and just be very open. So i guess that kinda led him on, the fact that i was so comfortable with him around. And surely... after a while of me refusing to go to movies with him, and obviously not liking him in that matter he got really sad. He didn't talk to me for a few days, avoided me. I gave him his space because i knew what was the matter.

In the end we had a talk, and he told me that he likes me but he asked me to not hug him and not be so, 'flirtatious' as he called it. Because it hurt him. And... i understood that. It wasn't flirting in any way, i'm just used to that kind of carefree behavior, because thats how i am with my male friends usually.

So... i gave him his space for few more days. Almost crying every time i came back home from school. Because when i make friends i completely attach myself to them. And... yea well i felt kinda lonely going to lunch all my byself again. Two days later he started talking to me again, and we laughed the same way we used to, and i thought everything went back to normal. Even tho i was cautious, and i did not hug him anymore. And tried not to talk to him unless he did so first. Which was hard, because it was like trying to be someone i'm not. So that lasted a day, the next day i went to Louisiana to visit my love.

Coming back, he was not in school anymore. He left for good. Because aperently he wasn't doing any work in school, and decided to go back to a regular high school. Which i understand, but it made me sad. Because i came to a realization that i won't ever see him again. I talked to him on MSN saying "Well i guess i won't see you anymore, didn't really had a chance to say a proper goodbye." He said something along the lines of, well we could hang out if you want etc etc. And me... i'd never hang out by myself with a guy who liked me, that would feel a little too awkward.

And then, one day he said he will visit my school for one day, because he had nothing else to do. I got all excited and happy. Because i thought that finally my only friend will be here, even if for just a day.

Surely enough

He never showed up.

I understood then, that i'll never see him again, for good. It's not so much that seeing him is an issue. It just makes me sad how easy i trust people and attach myself to them just to get fucked over in the end. I feel silly telling myself that it will be ok, and i can just be myself with just anyone. I realized that was not true. And it makes me sad. I really pity myself. It seems that almost everyone i touch runs away in the end. Because it hurts too much to stay aorund me.

I hate that in me sometimes. I have a tendency and great power of attracting anyone i want to myself. Only to be pushed away in the end. I can't blame them, can i? It's only my fault. It's not the first time this happened, and it won't be the last. Because i don't care how many times i get hurt and stepped on, i just feel so alone that i'll let them do that, and in the end i'll thank them.

-sighs-


I guess that about sums it up... -gets ready for work-

Image (c) to me